No more

My hair is just a bob now. No more shoulder length, tangled, hard to style hair. Woo-hoo! Should be going to visit some family in a moment. That should be fun (being half sarcastic half serious there) Life is still strange... Weekends are horrible if you're alone and have a tonne of coursework to do and have A LOT to think about. Found out about this band, they are so AWESOME!

ARGH!

Today was... Boring? Weird? Annoying? All of the above? Lied through my teeth today. Had to, i don't want them knowing my business. So there's this guy at school and he makes a lot of gay jokes. All of a sudden this week he starts apologising to me for them. I asked him why (because no one in school is supposed to know except teachers and three friends) and apparently i came out in a citizenship class when me and him were still friends. But i can find three faults with that. 1. i never even entered a citizenship class when we were friends. 2. i never spoke about my sexuality with ANYONE except him and 3. that conversation never happened... Well it did but it's complicated and i did not speak. oh and fourth I'm not gay!!!!! I'm Bi. Don't like it tough! Oh and another thing, me and him haven't been friends for six months, this guy has only just started apologising now... ARGH! I don't care that they know i just want to know who outed me. It's gonna bug me now until i know.

Broken record

My English exam went well. Just when i thought i was free from coursework i get another load piled on top of me. He sat next to me and i turned my back on him. Dunno how he reacted. i brought mom a late mothers day gift and an "I'm sorry I'm such a bitch" gift. Erm... Need to make an appointment with the doctor, little bit scared about what I'm gonna find out... Also I'm gonna get my hair cut again. I'm really keeping that salon in business. I could have screamed at him today, we had these sheets of paper that told us what we would need to do to get a good grade in the exams and they had three colours i chose blue first and i thought he would too cause it's his favourite colour but he chose green. I bet it was because he didn't want the same as me. How immature can he get?! Maybe things will be better when i leave... I hope so. But no more moaning about him now because I'm starting to sound like a whiny teenager on a broken record.

weather

I am calmer but i still feel crap. Venting your emotions really don't help at all. But life goes on. I just have to keep surviving each day and focusing on the future... Not that it holds much. Looks like it's gonna rain, the weather suits my mood.

Don't wanna be here

I don't want to be here. My life sucks! My parents hate me because i can't be happy and bubbly all the time, my best friend left me because my emotions scared him and everyone is too bloody up themselves to give a damn!

Work

All I'm doing today is work. Got more homework to do, only got it yesterday and i can do it at home so there was still no point in going in today. I'm happy for the distraction because I'm starting to miss him again. And i will not let myself dwell on it.

Pass and fail

I passed!!!! I can't believe i passed my math AND my English exam!! Anyways went to club today and you would have thought I'd have been away a month not a week! A boy from class (who i spent most of the day with) came up and hugged me twice, another guy hugged me about a zillion times, a girl who i actually haven't seen for a while hugged me and looked shocked about my piercing also another guy sort of patted me on the arm. One part of me thought "what's with all the psychical contact?!" and another said "AW!!!" Either way i feel quite appreciated. I will not go to school tomorrow to do catch up because i have finally done all of it! Not sure of things are OK at the moment... I just feel kinda out of it at the moment. Probably because I've been up since 5.00AM then studied, then done two exams and then dealt with all the emotional baggage that comes with every day. A guy at club said he wants me to stick around and not give up. I'll try, i am not promising ANYTHING!

Wish me luck!

I didn't go to the other college interview. What was the point? I've already been accepted into the dream college and they won't reject me so... Anyways, major "EEP!" From me seeing as i have a math exam in just one hour and forty minutes. Trying to do some revising whilst getting ready and i think it's actually sinking in. Probably because i don't have the teacher going on in a ramble and making things more complicated. Wish me luck!!!!

Bright spark

I have to focus. Math exam tomorrow. I hate math and all i can do is hope the algebra fairy waves her magic wand on me and suddenly makes me the bright spark when it comes to equations.

Not my problem

Today was pretty awesome despite the crap start. Typically just when i was about to give up on everyone at that school they become my friends. Someone up there doesn't want me to give up on people yet... I am going to the college I've always wanted to go to, i have friends and i am over him. Life is pretty good right now. But things got a lot worse before they got better... All in the space of a day! I honestly thought i wouldn't be here to write this today... I am so glad that i am. I'm not giving up this time. I'm staying here for the long haul. There are so many things i want to do, so many places i want to see, i could miss out on all of that if i give up. Now i simply feel sorry for him. Because he can't deal with a lot of things. I found out today that he dropped one of his courses because he couldn't cope with it, also he couldn't cope with me... What can that boy cope with?! Oh well, it's so not my problem anymore!! Finally!!!!!

friendship?

I don't care what anyone in that school thinks of me. I am worth more than all of that lot. He can have them if he wants his own little group, but i just hope he realises before it's too late that they aren't as close as he thinks. They don't know anything about him and he doesn't know anything about them. What type of friendship is that?! They don't keep in contact outside of class and that won't change when school is out for good and we all go our separate ways. One of the boys in our school wants to do a reunion in three years, i can safely say no bloody way! Once I'm gone from that lot and that place I'm gone for good.

My advice

Do not give up.It always gets better.It doesn't matter if your best friend left you. Or the guy you like doesn't like you back. There will be other friends and other guys. Just hold on through the pain.You will get over it. i promise.

I'm over it

Sapphire is right. I should just get over this thing now. It will ruin my life if i don't. It's just so hard letting go. But i will. I am. I don't need him to live my life. I'll be OK without him. He isn't coming back and i do not want him back. I'm over it. Thanks sapphire for making me realise this.

Foolish

I've been such a fool. How did i not see it before? He never really apprieciated me. He was always cancelling plans and then un-cancelling them without a thought to my plans. He never cared about what i thought about anything and i got filthy looks when i liked something he didn't. Now i've realised this i should stop missing him right? So why can't i?!

Focus

I'm focusing on my work because i have to get good grades if i want to do A levels in college and not do an extra year of re-taking my exams. I'm actually enjoying doing my media coursework. Of course i lost my humanities paper so i can't do that piece, I'll have to ask for a new sheet tomorrow, i cannot forget. For once I'm not missing him so much, maybe I'm moving on or maybe I'm just keeping busy and therefore can't think of him... I have to focus on my work that is the most important thing at the moment.

Done and change

This time last year i was sat in my room bored outta my head... The past really likes to repeat itself. But if it was last year i would just be about to meet an amazing guy who i fall in love with and we have a great summer together, going to carnivals, getting on trains with no destination in mind, going shopping and talking about everything. Funny how things change. I'm so angry, I'm really starting to hate him, but i don't want to. I just want to be able to move on but remember with happiness what we had. Truth is I'm not ready for a relationship or friendship or anything that includes trusting another person. Not yet. But i do wish he would talk to me or even look at me. I've spent my whole life invisible and now i realise that the one person who saw me, never actually looked properly, he wanted too much from me. He wanted the gold star friend, who liked what he liked and listened to him without ever having to listen himself. I'm missing a guy who doesn't exist anymore, who disappeared that day. But what if he is still there? Deep inside? *sigh* not my problem anymore. I'm done trying to help those who don't appreciate it.