Yay.

I got accepted into the college i wanted! YAY! They said i was definately right for the place! I was stunned. Finally somethings gone right! I'm glad i held on and that i'm still here. Sure, it hurts like hell most of the time but it's the good things like this that make it worth while.

Anything

I think i would give anything to wind back the clock and anything to have him by my side again. I'm scared about this interview i have today and the future which is coming whether i am ready for it or not and all i want him to do is just hug me and tell me it will be OK. But he is not here and i do not have a time machine so i cannot go back and undo what caused us so much strife. It kills me everyday that i had a second chance and i blew it. It kills me that this is all my fault. But the truth is, is that i was in love with him and he just saw me as a friend so what good would that have been? I'll just keep telling myself that until i believe it. It's gonna be so hard leaving for college and never seeing him again. Why is he doing this to me? Why can't he give us another chance? But the question is: Do i want another chance with him? I keep telling myself that it's good we are not together anymore because he would have held me back. I mean, how hard would it have been to leave him if we were still friends? I wouldn't have done it. That would have been a mistake.

Worry

I'm wondering if i should just stay here for college. I mean I'm still gonna be me no matter where i go. So if i attract liars then whats stopping me from attracting them anywhere else? I have to let him go, i have to start acting happy around him even if it's complete bull. I won't let him think he has power over me. What people do not understand is, is that i miss him when he is right in front of me and when he isn't around. It's better when he is around because then at least i know he is OK. Why do i still worry about him?!

Missing

Well, it's a good job I'm a pessimist otherwise i would have been let down today. We were in a room on our own and he didn't talk to me. I give up, I'm not going to ever get him back so why bother anymore? It's just that i have no one else and i honestly thought he would be the one person in my life who wouldn't treat me like dirt. I don't even know what i miss about him. I just miss him. Recently it's like a huge part of me is lost. Everyday it feels like i can't breathe and it's so painful. Why can't i find someone who won't leave me?!

Late

Wow some airlines are quite cheap... Looking at tickets to go to the USA In July. I always promised myself that i would go somewhere in america so i'm doing it. I know alot of people would say that i'm running away, but that's only partly true! Once again i'm late for class. :(

My fault

Today was crap. Emotionally tough lesson. Learnt that a friend of mine is a complete control freak. Learnt that a person i know is actually OK (that makes a change) bumped into an old friend... That was the only good thing that happened today. Teacher talked to him about the way he is treating me. Wonder if it will make a difference? Doubt it. I don't think i even want to get back with him now. We wouldn't have the trust. But i still miss him. It is all my fault. The way he is acting now isn't but this whole thing... It's my fault.

Another wrong

Haven't heard from the theatre yet. They said they would contact me right away. Oh well just something else that's gone wrong. Wonder if he'll be in class today? It's not the same without him there. Then again it's not the same with him there. So either way i lose. I really miss him.

That's all?

Found out some stuff. He isn't the guy i thought he was. He lied. That just makes it all seem worse. Confused again. How could someone so genuine turn out to be so... Ugh. Anyways, a teacher got me to contact the chichester festival theatre, apparently if you want to be in the media you will more than likely get somewhere if you start there. Wonder if i'll get in? I am not getting my hopes up since they will just get shot down again. The moving away from home thing is begining to move foward. Erm... That's it really.

leaving

He's won. I can't keep doing this. Every time i fall for someone or even become friends with someone, they betray me. I think the only way i'm gonna get through this is to just not trust anyone. Ever. Three months to go and then i'm gone from this town. Gone from him.

Sick of life

I'm sick of worrying about him. I'm sick of checking my old phone for texts or calls saying he needs me or he's sorry. I'm sick of thinking of him. I'm sick of missing him. I'm sick of not being able to rightfully hate him. Most of all... I'm sick of life.

Why bother

Why do i bother?! I try to be friendly and kind and it gets thrown back in my face. I try to go to a club that i might actually enjoy and what happens? I can't find the bloody place! The youth worker either gave me the wrong address or the people at that address have no clue what they are talking about! He didn't come to classes today... I wonder if he is OK, then i wonder why i care after all the crap he has put me through. But today i miss him, he was the one person who had a clue what i was going on about, of course that was before everything happened, then he stopped caring and i stopped feeling happy. I didn't stop feeling that emotion just becuase of him, i stopped feeling that a long time ago. Perhaps that was part of the reason he left?

Angry

Oh crap, just realised the time, gotta get moving, my art teacher is already gonna go mad at me for not doing the work, she's gonna kill me if i'm late again! By the way, in a very bad mood, i dunno why, i feel sorry for those who cross me today!

only time...

I worked really hard a few months ago, now when exams are looming nearer i can't bring myself to work, i just goof off. weird. A mutual friend thinks it's only a matter of time before he realises his mistake. Apparently I'm stronger now and i look healthier and all sorts of positive stuff... Wonder if they're right? Only time will tell.

Scary

I have one hour before i have to leave for classes. I do not wanna go today, i feel like crap and i don't wanna face what may or may not happen. What if the new "friend" - and i use the term loosely - I've made turns out to be a liar too? This thing with him has really shaken me, i don't know if i ever want to love or to trust again - i just end up getting hurt. Honestly, i miss him and i want time to rewind itself to six months ago so i can start again and I'm babbling again and getting upset and i can feel myself slipping, i don't wanna go back to the way i used to be. But i can feel it. It's scary.

Life's not that bad

Relationships are like glass, sometimes it's best to leave them broken than to try and fix them and end up hurting yourself. Maybe this place isn't so bad after all... Me and my cousin were messing around, chasing each other and having water fights - it was fun and i didn't think about him once, I had a proper laugh too, i didn't care what anyone else on the estate thought when we were chasing each other either. But i am now soaking wet with freezing cold water where he got a cup, filled it up to the brim and threw it over me! I got him first though... Hee hee. :D life isn't so bad.

anywhere but here

I remember the day he found out... He cried, i cried, he came for me and we went to his place. His mom offered her support, me and him hugged and talked and even laughed, even then it was OK, but now things are crap. I have found out what bull shit he has been telling our friends. Apparently we had a massive argument and he doesn't like me anymore. The second bit may be true but the first bit? Nah, don't think so. I just received a text on the worst night of my life saying that it's over. I can't believe i am thinking about all of this again. I just can't stop though. I'm totally distracted from my coursework and i can't even type today. I must have backspaced like a million times. I miss him. I don't want to be here anymore, i want to be somewhere far away, on a nice sandy beach or a snowy mountaintop... Anywhere but where i am right now, which is sitting here writing all my crap on a blog.

AGAIN

Today will be filled with coursework, seeing as i have left it to the last moment... AGAIN! Other people are starting to get involved in this argument thing between me and him and now someone else knows why we split. But i think she is on my side so... Urgh! May have to tell her best mate, because otherwise it's not fair and it saves her from telling them (Oh my god not using names is hard) So I will just have to see how things go tomorrow. But i think me and him have to sort things out becuase three other people are getting mixed up in everything and it's not fair on them and on us becase, honestly, i do not want them knowing my (and our) business. Things are so confusing right now. AGAIN!