Yours, mine, ours... Forever

Got hardly any sleep, went out today and got two books (they're both horror/thrillers) they're cool. Now I'm just waiting for a film to come on T.V so i can waste another hour. Nothing interesting to report. I miss him. I went to the park where we used to hang out. Nice, big place with cute animals to look at, grass as far as you can see and just the general hanging out zone for emos, scene kids and any other person looking for somewhere relatively quiet to hang with your mates. Anyways i made it to the gate then i talked myself out of it and walked away. I want that place to be the one place i haven't returned to since we broke up, same as the beach a few miles away. I want those places to be kept... Ours. Is it me or does that sound stupid?

Math

I hate math! My teacher said that a particular equation would be too hard for me, in front of the whole class. Now it seems he was right, but i want to prove him wrong because... Because i want to prove that I'm just as good as everyone else. God I'm nervous about next week. I've been doing nothing but thinking about it.

T.V drama (and teen drama too)

Hopefully i will be busy today. I'm watching my gerbil dig around in his cage, he's a funny little creature. I have nothing to write about so I'm just writing my thoughts at the moment. Tra la la. Dee Dee dum. Doo doo doo. :D I'm really nervous about next week. How will he react to my secret? This is why i don't watch soaps or t.v dramas because in actual fact my life is way more dramatic! I can hear the narrator now "Previously: Alcohol, family feuds, drugs, bad break ups and broken hearts where a lover has turned his back. Coming up: Who knows?"
By the way i have never touched drugs but various people i know have so... Like i have said before why can't i just have a normal life?! Not one which would make one of the many soaps on T.V look boring?!

THANK YOU!

Words cannot express my gratitude towards a very good and supportive friend. He has made me feel like I'm going to be OK and that it's a good thing to be myself. So i dedicate this post to him and when i become a famous writer (which i will because i am determined!) i will dedicate a book to him! :D

Yay?

I am so tired! Been all around town today. Lugging three bags of saw dust and two big bags of new clothes for me! They are so cool, i love them! the reason I'm excited is because i don't get new stuff often and these clothes are actually cool and comfortable so, I'm happy. Just had to clean out the gerbils cage (that's what the saw dust was for) It was awful since i have little patience. Ah well.

Thank you but goodbye

I'm not ready for the world outside.
I keep pretending but i just want to hide.
You're the reason the fire's inside.
But you're not enough to stop me standing still,
I wish you were but i just need to feel
Alive of my own will
I'm better for knowing you
But now we just need to chill
I need the space to clear my head
I think it's time we put this to bed.
Thank you but goodbye.
I'll see you around sometime.

Rant

I saw him for a second, i didn't have a chance to feel anything. I've either done something incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. But i have a week to change my mind if necessary. But i won't, i have to do this. People who aren't me will not know what the hell I'm on about and i am not going to explain because I'm ranting and explanations do not come into my rants. Got to go now i have to be up early for the dreaded dentists... Oh, and i'm also changing my name!

Running away

I'm just wasting time on the computer whilst i wait for 6.00 pm. Then i can leave for club. I'm nervous about seeing him but excited to be seeing the guys again, it's been a bloody long week. Going to the dentist tomorrow... God help me! Friday I'm gonna go and see a movie and Saturday is the doctor who Easter special episode, YAY! This time next week I'm gonna be moving in with some relatives on the other side of town. That should be fun, seeing my little cousins everyday, sharing a room with either them or my older cousin... Or i could just sleep on the couch with their dog (I'm sure that would be better... Nah, only joking... Kind of) well, it will only be for a few days, just until i get my head sorted. I would be moving in this week but i have coursework which i cannot leave piled up on my desk and which i cannot take with me so I'll do it this week and then I'll move. Plus, I've got appointments up to my ears this week, i would not be able to get to them if i were miles away would i? OK now I'm just rambling... Nearly time to go... I've got an hour and a half... Oh well, I'm running out of things to say...

No going back

I wrote him a letter last night and i said everything... Well almost everything i have ever wanted to say to him in the past few months. But i didn't lay a Major guilt trip on him... Wonder if i should send it? I just want to clear the air before he is out of my life for good. But i have a feeling he will never be out of my life, he will always be there, in my heart. It has just occurred to me that in one or two years this day will not even be remembered. That's sad. I suppose it's up to me to make it memorable but how do i go about that? I have no money, no friends, no car and no where to bloody go. I miss the time we used to spend together. But the past is just that - the past. There is no going back now.

:(

In hiding from everyone at the moment. The parental units are doing my head in! Can't i do anything right by their standards?! Also i miss him today... I don't know why.

Who knew

Photography is kinda fun... Who knew?

Feeling so...

Feeling both elegant and a total mess today. Both giggly and sad. It's weird, this mixture of feelings. I suppose that's what makes emotions complicated, you can never feel just one, you have to feel this mixture. I do not want to go to club tomorrow. It's been easier than i thought - not seeing him - It's better. I don't want to see him and go through that heartbreak again. I've just started to heal again, only after a couple of days! But i suppose it's best to get it over with now than to wait until I'm in class then BOOM! There he is and my heart breaks all over room two's floor in front of my fellow peers. At club i can just bolt with a lame ass excuse if i need to. But I'm gonna avoid all of that by not getting heartbroken. I can deal with this on my own, i don't need anyone.

Question:

Why does my life have to suck so badly?! Why can't i just coast through life oblivious to pain and misery? I am starting to think that ignorance really is bliss... And so is being emotionless, because then you can never get hurt.