babble, dabble and babble some more!

For my art course i have to choose to do either a "colour" piece which is where you paint or whatever and use colour as a source of inspiration. Or i could do pop art (a combination of collage, paint and print) and do a personal event. Problem is i don't know what to choose! Pop art would probably get more marks for effort but colour would get marks for expression and stuff, Colour's easier, pop art's more creative but harder. Should i take the easy road or the harder road... I think pop art would be more fun... Pop art it is. Damn babbling helps to clear the mind...

Irony

Just found out that energy saving light bulbs have some sort of toxic stuff in 'em. That's kind of ironic, seeing as they are supposed to help keep our planet from surrendering to global warming, therefore saving it, when actually they're quite harmful. Heh.

sleepy...

Been entered in a poetry competition by my English teacher! Hope i win! Today was... Confusing, don't even know where to start so i won't, although it is so early I'm gonna sleep.

Who am i kidding?!

Sitting here with my cousin now and although we are having a laugh i can't stop thinking about him. So much for my resolution to stop mentioning him... He is acting like an ass though, can't believe he is the same guy i fell for. Ah well i have to get over it now. His arm warmers have been returned and i am moving on... Oh who am i kidding?! Gotta stop writing even though there's so much to say... or write...

Stupid!

I can't believe i'm writing all of this on a blog... I cried all night last night, came across some photos of...ahem - i said i wasn't gonna mention he who shall not.... oh screw it! I'm not over him and i'm gonna take some good advice and go and talk to him, if he blanks me then i can say, i've tried AGAIN, now i can just give up.

overwhelmed

I've figured it out. The reason for my panicking is not because i can't believe all of this is happening, it's because i believe it is. I mean all this change it's... so overwhelming. By the way, just want to thank twinkle for the advice, but he is definitely out of my life, he won't listen and i am done trying.

Blind panic

Suffered from a blind panic attack today. I don't know why. Too many changes are happening. I'm going to college interviews, seriously looking at colleges away from here. Left club, and although everyone is supporting me i can't shake the feeling that... It can't happen and it's not real. Suppose I'm not used to good things coming out of something bad. Although i am having a few second thoughts on a few things...

Goodbye

So, i said goodbye, got a few hugs. One of the youth workers asked if i wanted to say something to the group but i said "no can you say goodbye to them when I'm gone?" Kinda regret that decision now. Ah well, I'm not one for goodbye speeches - too final. Anyways better go to sleep now, got work AND school tomorrow!

Last one, then it's in the past

This will be the last post about him. He is gonna be erased from my life for good, the stuff he left here will be sent back to him on Thursday. He will not be mentioned in this blog anymore, unless something truly big happens and i have to get it off my chest - old habits die hard or whatever - I will not talk about him to anyone and will tell everyone not to mention him to me. I am moving on with a vengeance! HA! Grinning like mad whilst listening to my favourite CD, i have had it with his mind games and everything. He was a good friend when it suited him but when things got hard he bailed and that is not what friends do. I'm lucky this happened before i chose a college near him or even got to sharing a flat with him! The truth is i fell in love with him and he didn't feel the same way, what kind of friendship would that have been anyways? Also when we split he made me so upset i started drinking and smoking and hanging out with people i didn't even like, i never want to do that again, i will not let someone have that control and power over me. So I'm moving on with my life and leaving the past where it belongs: in the past.

Change

He is outta my life for good. I've been asked to join a drama club that's on the same night as my other club and I've decided to go. They asked if i could write a script for them and i said YES, YES, YES!!!!!!! :D I leave school June 30Th it's gonna be weird. All of my media coursework has to be handed in next week! And one piece of art work has to be handed in next Thursday. So I'm gonna be non stop studying and painting all week! Yes, things have certainly changed. all in one week.

Finally!!!!

So, i finally got a decent nights sleep last night 9.00 - 6.00 (nine hours sleep!) I feel refreshed and positive today. I still say that i'm over him and that he's out of my mind and life. so, today i have to go to school because otherwise my art teacher will kick my ass. My other friends will be happy to see this side of me (positive and joke-y) so i'm gonna stick to it.

Who knows?

That's it. I'm done. I'm over him and he is never getting back into my life. I wonder how long this feeling will last... Maybe it's here to stay? I'm gonna give him his stuff back, if i can get him alone i'll do it, if i can't i'll get a friend to pull him aside and give it to him. I'm leaving club, tomorrow will be the last time (probably) i will go there, from now on i'll be attending the drama group down the road. Maybe i'll even throw in a few dance lessons, who knows?! :D

move on

I really miss him. But there's nothing i can do. I should just move on now right?

All in the air

Well he didn't talk to me. I don't know why i expected anything different. I've let myself get hurt again. I left school at lunch because i couldn't take it anymore. I had him and i had this other boy taking the piss out of my lip ring. It was too much. I want to speak to him and ask him why he spoke to me if he was just gonna ignore me again. What's the point. But he is clever because he never promised anything, didn't say anything except "we'll see how it goes" So that gives him an opening to back out and change his mind. Well I'm gonna say to him we either try again or he is out of my life for good. URGH! Why am i so willing to forgive this guy?! I've got enough problems without him making me feel this way. So here i am again crying my eyes out because someone can't put aside their own selfish attitude and be there for me. I really loved and trusted this dude and he really hurt me, gave me hope that we could start again, hurt me again, gave me hope, now he's leaving me in the air... Well I've had enough. I will talk to him and see what the hell is going on.

A time for fools

OK, it's 3:53 AM!! I have to be up in two hours, but i'm already up so... Anyways, today is the day. Am i a fool to start hoping? Should i just erase him out of my life for good? Time will tell...

Too many thoughts

I am calm, i will not let whatever happens get to me and i will remain at school to study. I keep thinking of every possible outcome. Either we're friends until we have another fight or we're friends then lose touch. Or we're friends forever and continue like nothing ever happened. There are too many options and too many thoughts roaming inside my head. I just know I'm not gonna be paying attention in classes tomorrow. Ah well, that's life. But i don't think he realises that he is also dealing with someone Else's feelings because he has just left me hanging with a "we'll see ow things go" I mean what the hell does that mean?! It's like: Does he want me to go and talk to him, does he want me to wait for him? Ugh!

moving on

Now the day is moving on and i'm bloody panicking. Should i make the first move? Should i wait to see if he approaches me? Should i act normal, peppy or just depending on how i actually feel? If we're left alone should i act aloof and talk to him like normal? ARGH! I don't know!! Should i even let him back in my life?

Time never flies by when you want it to

It's 3:25 and I'm waiting for my favourite programme to start, that will pass half an hour then I'll do some other stuff that will take up the evening and then it will be the end of the day and then tomorrow will be here and then I'll know if he is gonna talk to me and hopefully i can stop feeling like I'm going crazy obsessed. All day, one question has been going around in my mind and that is: Why is he doing this to me?! I think i still have feelings for him, but i don't want to get hurt again, but i run the risk either way right?

Emotionless?

What if there's a chance that we could be friends again? Could i trust him enough to wipe the slate clean, or whatever? Would it be weird? Could we go back to just hanging out in town and laughing like hyenas? I don't know if he will even talk to me again. Two days ago i never would have thought that he would talk to me again, now he has put the possibility that we could try again back inside my mind. But what if he changes his mind? I don't think i could go through all that again. I have friends who say they won't let me go under again but i think if i get in that state of mind again, there will be no coming back from it. I never want to feel like that again, but i don't have a choice really. I either say "No, leave me alone." To him and always wonder what could have been. Or i could say "All's forgiven." And that could go either way, he could say that we should try and be friends or he could change his mind say "No way" like he did before and i end up getting so hurt, i'm scared that i won't be able to come back from that again, i barely managed to live a day, now i'm better but what if the hurt gets too much? Should i just see how things go and try to talk myself into being emotionless? It's too hard.

I have got a new blog, just go on my profile and underneath "My blogs" You will find it. Please check it out and let me know what you think. I was bored (again!) and i decided to publish some poems and anything creative or inspirational and voila! I have a blog.