another mental breakdown.

I was up all night. But surprisingly I'm quite awake and alert. So tomorrow's the day i find out... Eh. But i have to focus on school and the two college interviews i have this week... He is distracting me from coursework and and my life, i can't let him be the center of my universe anymore, i have to find a way to get through this in one piece, because i can't afford a mental breakdown, not just because of things at school, things at home are just... Weird. I have to get it together.

suppressed

Even when i am not thinking about it, i can feel it, dwelling in the back of my mind. It's harder when a thought is suppressed because it builds up and explodes eventually. I suppose i just better sit down and let myself think... ugh.

Done and dusted...

... Quite literally. I've cleaned all of my room, it has taken me hours, which is why i had to clean it in the first place! It did distract me for a while but now I'm done and I'm left to think... OK I'm done thinking, i cannot think about it anymore!!!! I'm gonna go study and hopefully my mind will be so filled with fractions and algebra that i will not be able to think of anything else... Never thought I'd be happy about doing math... But a distraction is a distraction...

Weird...

Why now? Why did he have to start talking to me now?! I don't get it... I keep playing the moment over and over, I've tried to distract myself with cleaning, music and just fooling around on the computer but nothing works! I know i will just have to wait until Monday but it's the waiting that kills me (Not literally). I don't get it! He said (or rather, he text me) that he didn't want to be with me anymore and now out of the blue he wants to talk and "see how things go" urgh! And he is still a little spineless because he didn't say he wanted to see how things go to my face he got someone to do it for him! Honestly some people just aren't worth it... but is he one of those people? But I will let him come to me because i am not desperate and I'm not giving him power over me anymore, I'm my own person now and now I'm just bloody babbling, suppose i just better clean my room, it's getting like a tip again...

So confused!

So, we done red nose day early at my school. We were doing all different activities and i went in to a room and he was there hosting an activity called "Stick the nose on the face" (Don't ask!) anyways there was a teacher there and i asked her what all this was and he answers me!!!! We had a mini conersation and then i realised and said "You're talking to me" and he went "Yeah"
WHAT THE HELL?! I did the game thingie, hey it is for charity! And he had to blindfold me, i was surprised i actually trusted him! Anyways i got outta there and talked to a mutal friend and she had a chat with him. He says he wants to see how things go... Once again i say "what the hell?" And also his timing is CRAP! I mean five months ago i was at the movies seeing a film i had waited for ages to see and he texts me and says we are breaking up. Now, when i was so close to getting over him, he talks to me! I don't know how to feel or what to think. Totally numb, for now. I shall just have to wait until monday... URGH! A part of me wants to scream, another part of me wants to laugh (Through happiness or sheer confusion, i can't tell) All i know is that i have to get through the whole weekend, waiting to see. But i will still go ahead with my "leaving here" plan. not sure what else to write. Did i mention my english teacher liked my poems?? Well, she did, YAY!

why is this so hard?!

He hasn't got my CD. So what the hell has he done with it?! Why is he doing this to me?! But this is it now. I'm done. No more talking about him. No more thinking about him and DEFINITELY no more moping about him. I will live MY life how I want. So first off, I'm gonna go to drama, I'll be looking into colleges away from here more intently and I'm gonna move on. I dunno how long this "moving on thing" will last... probably until tonight. But if i keep busy i know i can NOT think about him... Oh who the hell am i kidding?! Why is it so hard to get over him? I've got over relationships before but there is something different this time... maybe because i really loved this guy? By the way another friend is leaving in a couple of weeks. Hm. : ( I can't feel anything. I've gone completely numb towards people now. Apparently he may or may not have said something about me... I don't care but i think i have the right to know what that something was right? But then again my source wasn't really reliable...

psycho-babble

Just watched a sad episode of a series i can't even remember the name of... Anyways, i cried like... I haven't cried that much in ages. I'm so confused! I want to find information on a certain something but i can never find the answers I'm looking for... I'm not picky it's just nothing makes sense. it's all psycho-babble.

surviving

So my English teacher is gonna take a look at my poems, nervous about it, but I'll survive. On another note that's all i seem to be doing recently: surviving. Just living through these days are hard enough. I cannot deal with him and his stupid mind games. I don't want him to rule my life but i think I'll have to leave the youth group. I just wanna avoid him at all costs, but do i really want that cost to be losing the few kinda friends i have? Maybe i should start a new? Go to a new group, meet new people. Hm, i guess i'll just have to see how everything goes.

Had enough.

I have had it with his crap! If i don't get my CD back by tomorrow i will ask for it personally. I didn't want to know but then a friend asked on my behalf (without my knowledge) and apparently he no longer has it. So what the hell has he done with it?! I gave him that CD as a favour i always wanted it back! God, i will not be surprised if he asks for his arm warmers back now, i think he is getting that bitter and twisted. I have had it with him though. Everyone at school has seen that he is trying to alienate me. Everyone except the other bloody students! Typical! I never realised it before but he is extremely two faced! Argh! I don't know what to do! Because even though i know all of this about him now i still want him back! How wrong is that?! As if i didn't have enough to worry about what with all the coursework and exams the school is throwing at me left, right and center! OK now I've vented and i don't feel that better!

running at full speed

I had a major panic attack. I just realised that i will never see him again after school lets out and college starts. I dunno if I'm ready for all of this change. It's like all the world and everyone around me is moving so fast and I'm running at my fastest just to keep even. I don't know what to do! I miss him so much and i want things to be OK between us when i leave here for good. What the hell can i do to get him to listen?!

Its kinda depressing that...

... I have no friends, no job, no money and it looks like I'll be spending my birthday alone, either that or on a train to London with mom. Hanging with the parent unit on my birthday... Great. I mean my mom is awesome but not so awesome that i wanna spend my birthday with her when i could be out with friends (in a parallel universe maybe) Aah well, gonna get a new phone (my one's only six months old, i get through them quickly) and two budgies (i like birds) and... A few DVDs and a trip to london, i suppose. Its his birthday soon... Wonder what he's doing??

major bollockings with knobs on (No pun intended)

Well, i got a major bollocking from my art teacher. Said i will fail exam if i don't attend the classes. Obviously. Aah well. Today was... Crap. I'm glad i went to class because i caught up on some English work and humanities essay is now all typed up. But i felt like dying (and crying) all day. I saw him and i just... Well lets just say i haven't felt like crying so much in a long time. I want him back so badly. But i can't. And i won't show that i want him back to anyone because that would just be.... No it can't happen. Oh I'd give anything to turn back time and not do what i did. FYI I did not cheat or anything. I just... The simplest explanation is this: I had issues and stuff happen to me that he couldn't deal with. I would delve in further but frankly, it's too personal. Anyways, anything else? Nope don't think so. Gonna go eat now before i have to go to this youth group thing. Could be my last session, if i decide to go to drama instead. They don't know that though. Oh yeah, gonna go horse riding with school. The catch? I have to do stuff like trekking and sailing first. :( worth it though. I love horses. Also i don't think he's gonna go!

I dunno...

I've been reading my poetry and not to sound big headed or anything but i think they're quite good. I want to show someone but I'm scared they'll criticise them and i hate it when people do that... Oh i dunno what to do!

lonely

I have never felt so lonely. I'm sitting here writing on this blog instead of A) doing art coursework or B) math revision or C) citizenship revision or D) hanging with friends (that will not happen in the near future since they have all abandoned me) ah well life goes on and i just have to get through it.

food art

I am supposed to draw food for my coursework project thingie. Anyways, i can't think of anything to draw. And when i do i can't draw it! Urgh!

Get to work

Typically i feel fine now. Now it's too late to get to classes! Maybe my body is trying to tell me to stuff school and stay home... Just seems weird that i had a whole week off to be ill and now when it's time to go back i fall ill. Ah well ill or not i have to go tomorrow to hand in art course work and humanities essay!
Oh... Balls. Just realised i have one piece of art left to do. Better get to work.

Screwed up, messed up and without a care

I have been thinking about how much i have messed up. I've actually pinpointed where i went wrong. The truth is, yeah. I screwed up, big time. It's a shame, because i had something great. I had something i would have killed for a year ago. And i messed up and i lost everything i had worked so hard to get. So here is my message to anyone and everyone who is feeling sad, low, depressed or all of the above: Don't give up. Whatever you do, do not give up on life. Because, yes it can always get worse. But it can also get better. Five months ago (Wow time flies!) I never would have thought that i would be here, without a friend and without a care. A month ago i thought i couldn't live without him. But i am. And i will continue to. Because i refuse to continually let other people rule my life. It is true that when we love someone and they leave us, there's a hole in our hearts, but that hole gets stitched up, the stitches dissolve and then there's a scar and then over more time... There's barely a mark. The time and the size of that mark varies depending on how much they hurt us. OK I'm done getting all philosophical and... Stuff.

I hope i just haven't eaten under cooked eggs... They looked OK at the time, but now i think about it... Oh balls. Now drinking hot, sweet tea. Dunno why i was so compelled to write that down... Been dreaming of college and once again he has popped up in my dreams! He is suffocating my subconscious! Dang, that was dramatic. Ah well if I'm gonna make it in the world of fame i better get used to the tantrums in tiaras!!!! Well, once again my life seems dull... Even my hair colour is dull, That's probably because i'm in a dimly lit room. I sorted out my wardrobe, i have ALOT of grey hoodies...

No pain lasts long

I feel angry... All the time. I have the most excruciating pain in my stomach. It has faded now. But it has made me realise something: no pain lasts forever. you think it will and sometimes it feels that way but it won't. I promise.