housing 'n' courework.... Joy.

I've decided to go to the housing advice thing. I can then know what to do about getting outta here when i turn 16 in a few months. Now i have coursework to make my brain explode and ruin my day... Yup it's official, i know nada about the amazon rainforest.

edit, lose it and screw 'em!

Editing a story is hard. Especially when you can't really remember what pieces go where, what you have added in the next story that could need clues in this one... It's complicated and i ain't about to explain it to y'all. OK i will but in very short terms. I'm tryin' to get my book published. To do that, it's gotta be good and when i say "good" i mean f-ing awesome! And my writing is only good as in "good" at the moment. So like i said I'm editing. It's fun but sad when you have to let a page or even just a few lines go because you realise they don't fit in. But i always keep the odd line or so in a notebook. You never know, they might fit in somewhere else. I love my work! well, it ain't work, I'm doin' it for free, 'cause i love it. I write 'cause i like it. So i guess my message to everyone tonight is "If you like doin' a certain something, do it. Even if you get judged, screw 'em. If it makes ya happy that's all that matters... Unless y'all are thinkin' of breakin' the law then I'd have to say think it through, maybe that's not such a great idea."

just wanna say...

Just wanna say thanks to sapphire for the advice. I managed to finish my book last night, seeing as i got zero sleep, due to the frog in my throat and the hurricane swirling round my head!

This is how i feel: F#!$%^*(%"£?%£%$""?!?!£?$^&!

I feel like crap! I have coursework that is threatening to bury me alive. My school has gotten strict on their uniform policy. I have always worn my grey hoodie so today i wore it again and i was nice and warm with my hoodie, t-shirt, jeans and converses in class but today they told me to take it off. I was freezing my ass off!! it's pathetic! Luckily I'm gonna be outta there in a few months. Out on my own in "the big bad world" ah well, I'm excited.
Seeing him was OK. I dunno what's goin' on, he can stay in a room alone with me. I think I'm completely off his radar now. So should that be a :( or a :) ???? I barely looked at him today... Spare the few hundred (ahem) times. ARGH! Relationships are just another way for life to screw you up! Another reason i can't wait to get outta here. So i can start again and be a complete lone wolf, who parties all night!!!

Hm.

I'm now working on my story that i hope to get published in the near future.... Wonder if my dream will come true????????

HELP!

I want to start a support group for people who have been affected by self harm. But i don't have a clue where to start. On another, completely different note i feel like I've been run over by a bulldozer, only to be thrown into the freezing ocean, where i have swallowed a baby shark that's gnawing on the inside of my throat and then somehow made it up to the sun, which is burning me. So in other words, I'm ill. Worst part is that i have to go to school to finish the essay which is due in FOUR, yes, FOUR, days!!!!! Goddess help me!!!!!!

To talk or not to talk....

Should i try and fix things between us? We had such a laugh together and i want that back. But i'm not naive enough to even consider that if we did get back together things would go back to be exactly the same as they were before - too much has happened - I don't know what to do!!!!!! I mean yes, i did what i did and that done something to him, i understand that but all i asked from him was to be there and listen. But instead he ran away and dealt with it by ignoring me like i did him a personal wrong. I didn't, But maybe in his mind i did... Oh i don't know, if only i could read minds. ARGH! I don't know what to do!!!!!!

Pain, misery and frustration - there's a happy title!!

So he left yesterday, for Japan (I think) but I'm gonna be happy he left because he is happy to be gone. So why should i feel miserable when it's what he wants to do? The "he who shall not be named" dude, is now like a familiar stranger. One i still miss and love, but still. I am slowly getting over him. On the bright side the college i really wanted to go to has finally contacted me and want me to go for an interview! On another note the missing relative has been found alive and well, i could kick his ass for not contacting us three months ago and letting us know but still. Has anyone else noticed that all the men in my life seem to be causing nothing but pain, misery and frustration?! I think i will stay away from the entire male species for now. Anyway, i just hope things between me and the heart breaker will settle down and he'll stop looking at me and then sharply turning away when i catch him or he just stops ignoring me. Period. Because i just can't handle it what with coursework and exams. I have a very long few months ahead of me. But it will be worth it when I'm in that flat in Waterlooville. I think I'll paint the living room walls turquoise and white and bedroom dark purple and light purple...

Eh...

What am i going to do?! I have a really important meeting in a few hours and i have a terrible sore throat. I've been up since 4.00 AM and i've gotten my ass kicked by guitar hero on tour about forty times. Good game though.... Anyway today is the day he leaves and i can't miss his going away party thing at the group we go to. Oh i'm so gonna miss him. Hmm, well i better go and see what remedies i can cook up for this inconvenient sore throat.... Any ideas?? Cause i'm clueless...

What do i do?

I don't know what to do! I still have feelings for him and every minute all i can do is wonder if he'll talk to me. I know the answer so why do i even bother? When i try to fall asleep i try to dream about performing live but eventually he turns up in the audience and the plot twists and my dream isn't about my dream it's about my other dream... The one involving him getting on his knees and begging my forgiveness, or you know, just taking me in his arms like he used to and apologising... Urgh!!!!!!! Someone help me!!!!!! Please?!

:(

I should be looking on the computer for inspiring things to draw. But i can't be bothered. Well actually that is not the case. I can't find anything. OH! whatever!

I don't think i can do this...

It is official. I cannot draw to save my life... Or at least my school life. Seriously, this piece is due in less that a month and i cannot do it. Should i just give up? But the problem with that is that i do not wanna give up, i can't, it's impossible for me. But i feel i have no choice. It's better to give up than to be told you have failed right? Or is that wrong? Yeah the saying is that you should try, try and try again until you succeed. But i have been trying. I'm tired of trying. ARGH! I don't know what to do!!!!! Another thng is that i look dead. I'm not shallow, i don't care what i look like, the problem is that i feel dead too. Inside i mean. Sigh, just another day in the life of me.

Another day.

Another family fight. Oh well, i'm used to them. I can't wait until i get my work permit so i can start earning some cash and then move away from my own personal hellmouth. Also i can't wait until september when i will hopefully be moving away to study in winchester. I have four days to complete 2 pieces of coursework. For one of the pieces i don't even know what i have to do! By the end of march i have to have completed 2 art pieces. I have to re-write a romeo and juliet essay, also i have to prepare an oral report on Oliver twist! It's too much when you consider the missing relative, the fights, The ex and the other stuff... Oh well i guess i'll just have to live with it and get on with it. What else can i do? Give up? I don't think so.

Future, future. What DO you have in store?

I have been thinking about the future. I keep wondering what it has in store for me. Because i always thought i'd go to college and uni, go travelling, get a dream job and meet a dream guy and live with him in our dream house (Ya see the key word yet?) But life isn't a dream. It's a bloody, unbearable nightmare!!!!!!! And now i'm not so sure i want any of these things... I mean i do, what sane person doesn't want the easy life. What i suppose i mean is, is that alot of changes in life has made me change, some of these changes i like and some.... I don't. God, i'm such a mess right now.

Waiting

That's all i'm doing. Waitng for my life to begin, waiting for school to start back up and waiting for someone who won't hurt me. I'm also waiting to hear back from the colleges i've applied to, i'm waiting for my dad to magickally appear and... Ugh, i'm waiting for alot of things. Oh well.

One of those days....

I should be studying, but i just can't be bothered. My art work is average and my writing seems to be getting worse. Ugh, it's probably just one of those days, where no matter what i try, it's gonna go wrong. Like so many other things in my life. I have made a promise to stop complaining and be more cheerful, so i'm gonna put all my anger, saddness and frustration into this blog, so that people will hopefully see a cheerier me. Then people will stop bugging me and let me get on with life. Luckily i'm good at lying about my feelings. If only i had gained that talent four months ago... (is that how long it's been, since he left? Wow, time sure does fly when you're miserable) The most saddest thing of all, though? I still miss him like mad.