Memories

Scars heal. But the memories never fade.

What would you do?

What would you do if you could look back over your life and change one thing about it? And would that change make your life better or ultimately break your heart? Would you change just that one thing or create an entirely different path? And would that path be better than the one you're on now?

Decisions

Now i have to decide between two really great colleges. Great. He spoke to me today, all he said was "excuse me" and i could tell he resented the fact that he had to say it. How did i end up here again? There will always be a part of me that misses him and that same part will always wonder "what if?" But i have to try and ignore that part of me. I have to move on, stick with the people i wouldn't necessarily call friends but they don't treat me with so much... I can't think of a word to describe how he treats me. I miss the old him, the old us. I do not miss what he has become... he is not the person i knew and definitely not the person i loved.

I'm sorry...

For breaking the promise that i would always be there. I'm sorry you broke that promise too.

Another thing i'll never know

Currently doing math coursework. I'll be glad to leave this all behind! So, i saw him, the first time in just under a month. I felt nothing, at last! But there is still a dwelling sadness. I miss him is all. Stupid huh? That i miss someone who turned their back on me when i had no one else. Maybe he did it because he was scared? Maybe because he s selfish? Guess that's another thing I'll never know. Did a speaking and listening exam, i had to pretend to be this girl who had no one and no where to turn and was desperate to make all the hurt go away. That wasn't hard to do, the questions were easy to answer, I could relate to this girl so much, it was kinda scary.

hopelessly hoping..

My art exam is complete and looking good! I was supposed to go to work and attend a revision session but i need a break so i took it. I am hoping to be going to a concert in October! Fingers crossed the parents will let me! But considering it is around 66 miles away i am doubting that they will let me go alone... Well i can hopelessly hope can't i?

Tough cookies

It was a good day today. Done half of my art exam and it's turning out pretty good. Had a laugh with my mates and there is a cute new boy joining our year. I am brimming with rage at the moment because i had to do this design thing and it turned out rather rubbish and i can't do it again, but if the examiner doesn't like it, tough cookies. I tried my best. Tomorrow i have to do the rest of my exam and then I'm going to the youth group. Then on Wednesday I'll be going to work and doing revision in the afternoon at school, then on Thursday I'll see him again, after a long while. I've seen him once, maybe twice in three weeks. Today i met an old acquaintance, that was nice.

What if...?

What if my best friend from infant school had stayed in the country?
What if i had stayed friends with her?
What if i had never left my old school?
What if i stayed at the other school i moved to?
What if i hadn't suggested the break?
What if me and him were still friends?
What if my dad was around?

Guess I'll never know.

Why do i always screw things up?! I have had three relationships where i have either done something to mess it up or they did something and i reacted badly... Why do i bother to care and love? It only ends it tears and heartbreak! I have not seen him for five days, i won't see him for another three. It's better this way. But what about when we leave for college and then we will NEVER see each other again. Maybe he will return to club... But it does not matter, i have to move on entirely, it is better when we do not see each other.